Happy New Year!

Here is to 2009 being better than 2008... if that's possible!

2008 has brought so many wonderful memories.

January was the start of another amazing year full of so many things

March 14th was a day we will never forget, Krystina was officially adopted and a Smith

April 14th was her 4th birthday. We had so much fun celebrating with her and all her little friends

June 7th was Ryan and Susans wedding. Weddings are so much fun, even though I have other feelings about it a wedding is a great moment
Receiving the title of Mrs. Orange County International. I have worked so hard with this title and have used it to make a difference in the lives of others... at least I hope so.

July 24 & 25 came my 29th and my grandma's 79th birthdays. I love celebrating with her every year

August 11th I competed for the title of Mrs. California International. even though I only placed int he top 8 I will hold those memories close.

September 15th was our first Anniversary. We enjoyed a night at The Melting Pot for some fondue and Grant made me this beautiful poem for our wall
27th we celebrated Ryan's 30th birthday AND our first Angels game as a family. Krystina wasn't very into it but it was fun to do

October 11th Grant celebrated his 29th birthday

December 5th was our 2 year anniversary of Krystina. With it brought me so much joy and so many wonderful memories of that day. Picking her up with all of her belongings, going to lunch with Grant and her meeting my mom. I loved every moment of that day and will never forget it.

Here we are at the end of an amazing year. I can only hope that 2009 leaves such an amazing and lasting impression as the last 2 years have.

Christmas

Christmas was awesome! I love having my family around, it's been an amazing two years. Grant got a puppy, Kona, she is 1/2 black lab and 1/2 German Sheperd... not a small doggy. Krystina got a bike and mommy got a GPS... all in all it was awesome to get the gifts but amazing to spend time with the family.

Krystina has grown up so much over the time into a big girl. She got her first bike from Santa, took her about 20 minutes before she had the hang of it but now it's official she is growing up and I am not so sure if I like it. It's so funny to see her get bigger, watch her little jeans fill out and then become to small... her little shirts start becoming belly shirts. The little girl with the mullet is becoming my big girl. I don't know when it happened exactly or where I was or if I missed the moment when she was no longer a toddler... but I see her becoming a little girl in front of my eyes. Now, she will ALWAYS be my baby, but I know she will grow up too.

Christmas Eve was spent with Grant's family, such great people. We hung out, ate and opened some gifts. My Grandma was there too, helping in the kitchen and enjoying just being around everyone. It would have been her and my grandpa's 60th anniversary however he passed away 20 years ago. It was so heartbreaking to know that... I hope that Grant and I make it to 50 years, I can only pray for 60 although I don't know if I want to live to be 90. ha ha. Then Christmas was at home, my mother and father in law came over to open gifts and we went out to breakfast then home for some bike riding and shortly thereafter came NAPS! I was beat as was Grant and Krystina.

Wow... it's been awhile!

it's been a few weeks since my last post and that is mainly because there has been a bunch of stuff yet nothing going on at the same time. With the Christmas approaching I feel terrible saying I am not really in the Christmas spirit... usually I get all giddy and excited but it hasn't hit me yet. WEIRD! Hopefully I can get into it with the wrapping of presents and my crazy family in town next weekend.
Unfortunatly I was part of the 570 California people that Washington Mutual/JP Morgan Chase laid off on the 1st. Yep, my second layoff this year! SUCKS but at least it's a working layoff so we technically have jobs until January 29. Helps with the holidays a bit but does add some stress of finding a new job along with several thousand other people! It never fails when I find something stuff like this happens!
I have found a new love in life, I really am enjoying my charity work. Now I am not wealthy so I can't be a great philanthropist but I can donate my time. Right now my garage looks like a warehouse with the amount of stuff Ihave. Kids clothes, adults clothes, toys... Christmas gifts. It's crazy and wonderful. Maybe someday we will win the lottery and I can quit my job and just volunteer and sit on boards and enjoy that aspect of life BUT until then I will settle for my few hours a week. I did take on a new responsibility, I am the Orange County Director of the Queen for a Day program. This program goes into pediatric cancer wards in hospitals and have a dress up day with the kids. Beauty Queens come in and crown the girls and fireman/heroes come in and dress up the boys. It's a fun day for the kids to be kids and not be sick. I am looking forward to the new year and getting this program off of the ground. I am also collecting items for my Personal Place Project, giving pillowcases with items in them to kids entering domestic violence shelters. Something that is all theirs and allows them to keep something safe and comforting with them. YEP.. I am WAY too busy. I am also going to speaking to a group of pregnant homeless women about the positives of adoption. That should also be a lot of fun.
Life gets so complicated yet is amazing at the same time. There are days that I feel like the biggest failure and others that I am on top of the world. Sure, I have an amazing husband and daughter (that informed daddy that he was 'in her heart' last night while he was at work), a nice apartment in a great area... I have a job (ok, so this is only applicable for another 50 days but whatever) and a great extended family... but sometimes I feel like i don't deserve it all, like that shoe is going to drop and everything will come crumbling down. AHHH. I hate PMS!

Babysitting

Last night I got to babysit my nephew, Gavin. He is all of 3 months old (tomorrow) and a whopping 16lbs. I had so much fun and realized that maybe baby #2 wouldn't be so bad now as Krystina was so much help and handled it all very well. Grant got to have some fun giving me grief with a baby on my hip while standing barefoot in the kitchen. It definitly wasn't as hard as I had expected and really fun to have him around.

Grant was adorable with him, he doesn't have much experience with babies... I think his first time holding a baby may have been my niece Leah last year. He is a natural though, just held Gavin and talked to him like a little man. He was even the one that got Gavin calmed down enough to sleep. It was so cute and I know that he will be an amazing father with our next one just as he is with Krystina.

Old School!

The other day I was looking through other people's photo's on Facebook and came across some really funny pictures from high school. Actually one of them is the only picture I have from Graduation (my parents didn't take ANY!) It made me think about high school and how many fun memories came out of that time in my life. After moving SO much and having friends and memories in different places it's fun to look back. I may not have many people from my past that I talk to but I will always have the fun memories of those people and times. I am very blessed that there are some very dear people from high school that I still talk to, funny enough I am often surprised by them because, looking back, I would have assumed it would be different people. I am very blessed... although I don't see anyone very often I enjoy the emails, blog comments and phone calls with each person. I am very thankful for a very funny girl that is the mother of 3... her blog always makes me laugh and often reminds me to accept life and make the most out of it. Anyhow... I thought I would share my old school photos, courtesy of Aimee Bartelle (Rinderknecht)

Aimee and I after Miss Big Bear 1997 - I got 1st Princess
With my family, my mom, dad, Krista and Renee... I was so excited and don't think I took my crown off the rest of the night... even at dinner. ha ha

1997 Graduates of Big Bear High School with Aimee and my sister Krista... wow I looked SO young, a huge difference 11 years makes.With Aimee and Mary Alexander... We always had so much fun.

Thinking... or lack there of!

Some people just don't think, or they do and forget to engage their thoughts before they open their mouth. I have been asked so many times when we are going to have 'our own' child. I know adoption is a mystery to a lot of people but lets clear one thing up... we have OUR OWN child! She is a 4 1/2 year old, overly energetic, stubborn, pain in the bottom. I love Krystina more than anything and she couldn't be more my own. Last night I heard an interesting thing on TV, it was from an adopted son to his adopted father about the fathers birth son (confusing I know)... he said 'without genes, that guy is a stranger'. HELLO so true... what makes us parents is not genetics, it's how we nurture, how we love, how we bond with our children. Being a parent is about how we cuddle, how we listen and how we are there for our children no matter what. True Krystina will never have my eyes or her daddy's nose BUT she does have my tendency to model and pose and Grant's stubbornness.. ha ha. She is our daughter.. now will we have ANOTHER child, only God knows that right now. I would love to expand our 3 to 4, have another little girl or a little boy. I would love to feel a baby move in my tummy, go to dr. appts to see heartbeats. However, if God blesses us with another opportunity to adopt I will love that child just as much. Nothing about genetics makes you a mommy or a daddy, it makes you a mother or a father. It takes love and time to be given the title of mommy or daddy.

Ice Skating

Today we took Krystina ice skating for the first time. It was actually Grant's first Sunday off in quite a while so we enjoyed some good family time. After ice skating, thanks to our dear friend Pam, we stopped at Starbucks and had some hot chocolate... apparently you can't end a good ice skating day without it.

Totally forgot

I forgot the biggest news last weekend... Krystina and I went to the movies. It was her FIRST time at the theater. She sat in total silence and awe for the entire length of the movie. Well she talked during EVERY SINGLE preview and kept repeating. "This isn't MY movie mommy, where is MY movie!" I kept telling her ... just a minute and stop talking or they will throw us out" FINALLY the movie started and she simply watched the movie and inhaled her popcorn. I was so proud of her and bummed that Grant missed it.

Amazing!

Life is amazing. I am trying to turn over a new leaf... albeit a VERY big one... I am still trying. I want to see more of the positive, more of the good in people. Which for anyone that knows me knows that I think people are good for the most part and I really want to help everyone, I forget sometimes that I can't. I can't adopt every child, feed every person or make everyone woman realize that it's time to stop getting abused, but boy do I try.

Yesterday I was at home at lunch and walked by the dryer and this is what I saw... sadly I wanted to join the little guy.

On Saturday was the beautiful service for Reese Kostjuk. Such an amazing day. Her life was plagued by doctors and needles but her death brought so much life. She touched so many people, she had people praying for her family that she had never met. She made me, along with so many others, realize that the Lord really does hold all control in our lives. I sat there wondering how Todd and Ashley do it, never once did Ashley look anything but happy with a peace about her, how they have so much faith in the Lord... the same Lord that took their little girl to Heaven. Then I realized, that is the point of faith. We can't just have faith in the good times, we have to have faith in the bad times too. The times that you want to be angry with God are the times you should really have the faith that He is doing what needs to be done. We may not understand His purpose but that is not our job. Bless Reese Renee Kostjuk and her entire family as they give glory to God for allowing us all to have 365 days of Reese. Now this beautiful angel has her wings.
This picture was taken by Reese's big sister Lexi...



Then on Sunday was a day with my Grandmother. I love spending time with her even though she is annoying at times and seems totally ungrateful for all that we do for her. Anyhow, her and Krystina love spending time together as my grandma has been blessed enough to have known little one since she was 8 months old and lived across the yard from her the entire time. I love watching their time together. We went to brunch and then home to make chocolate chip cookies. Such a sweet time together.




Then my darling husband came home from being gone 3 days for his drill weekend. It's so wonderful to feel that hug and kiss after 3 days. I can't imagine what it will be like if/when he heads to the east for another deployment, missing those arms and kisses for a year but WOW... the reunion will be amazing. I am so lucky and blessed to have all the family that I have. I will always try to remember that each time I want to see an empty glass.
Here is our little Dorothy from Halloween.

Exhausted... mentally and physically

This has been a really LONG past week. I didn't go to the children's program, I felt so overwhelmed by the rest of life. On Friday morning I found out that Reese had passed. My mother in law and I were headed up there in a few weeks to see her as she has been doing so well and seemed as healthy as she could be. The death came out of the blue. We are planning to go to her service this coming weekend. I couldn't really mentally function for a better part of the morning. Also Grant was extremely sick, and I was very worried about him. He doesn't get super sick very often but when he does he really does. Then Saturday night I did appearance as a special guest at an event benefiting Autism, An Evening for Autism. It was such a wonderful experience and I truly enjoyed being a part of it. I met 2 Miss California America delegates, such sweet girls. It was the first time since I was crowned that I actually made it into a local newspaper, that was pretty exciting for me. I am also working out the best I can and eating a lot better to get my body more toned without losing weight. So far so good... I am still at 125 which I have been since I got sick last month.
Life is pretty fantastic other than that. Grant has drill this weekend... so other than the funeral I think I will just go to my grandma's to have breakfast. Krystina loves seeing Great Grammie... although the child is one step below a nightmare most of the time lately... I REALLY can't wait for this whiny, not listening, needs to be the center of attention phase is over!

Oh well... off to the start of another busy Smith week!

Ok... SOOOO Over it!

After my total meltdown on Saturday... yep there was anger and crying... I have decided that people suck and that is just life. Saturday night we were able to go out with some friends to the pumpkin patch. One couple, I met the wife and daughter last month but he and Grant work together, have a little girl that is the same age as Krystina. The girls had a blast running around for over 2 hours and the moms had fun talking about whatever it is moms talk about... ok and the dads had a great time talking about work and guns. It was so nice to hang out with another mom that understands parenting and how much we have to put in to be good parents. I don't look at my mommy job as a chore, it's one that I love but there is alot more work in being a mommy than people think. Then another couple showed up, they are a little younger than us but are currently without children. The wife is a snob... I mean she barely got off of her cell phone long enough to say hello. She treats me like crap... has pretty much since day one. She has made snide comments on myspace about watching Krystina ONCE even though it was her husband that offered. In her defense I did meet her at a Hawaiian Tropic contest that I was competing in last year BUT anyone who talks to me for more than 5 minutes knows that I am not 'that type' of girl. I am not the girl that thinks that I am better than anyone, everyone has amazing qualities to them and I am so happy in my life I do not want her husband! I don't understand women that let their insecurities run/ruin their life. My life revolves around my 4 year old, Disney and Target... I don't really care too much about nice purses or shoes because if they arent functional in my busy life then I don't really need them... ALTHOUGH a really nice purse for Christmas would be a pretty neat gift. Anyhow... back to my point. So here we are 3 couples, 2 four year olds and I realize that the friends that I make and meet now are probably the friends that Grant and I will keep. Not to say that the friends that have stuck by me, especially over the last 2 years don't mean the world to me now and I will always (hopefully!) have those friendships too. My point to this rambling is that the people that are truly part of my life now are the ones that matter not the twits that turn their back when a friendship gets hard or starts to rely on emails and phone calls. Just because you are friends does not mean you have to or even get to see those people all the time. Sometimes life gets in the way. Some of the people that I confide in and trust the most I don't see very often, some I haven't seen in 10 years plus but they are still such good friends. I guess it's true, that if you don't have kids you just don't understand the responsibility and time that is involved in being a good parent. I left Saturday night feeling blessed that we have good friends, I look forward to spending more time with the mommy and daughter we were with and moving on with my adult life.
Oh and the other thing I realized is that God truly has a sense of humor and makes you understand your own humility at the most inopportune times... like the couple that is CONSTANTLY talking divorce after 1 year gets pregnant. Could it get funnier than that... oh why yes it can... they announced their pregnancy less than 12 hours after finding out. This is also after doing the same thing last year, except they had a huge party celebrating a mere 4 days after finding out, and sadly they lost that baby. Why put yourself through that all over again... I spent the evening contiplating my own life and what I was doing wrong to not be able to get pregnant but guess what, God blessed us with an amazing little girl and maybe he thinks that she needs more alone time with mommy and daddy before becoming a big sister. Who knows but I am going to do better remembering what I have instead of what I don't. Lord knows I wouldnt tell the world the day I find out I am pregnant.. that is WAY too scary for me. Now will I be able to keep a total secret for 12 weeks, lets not get crazy and think that certain people in my life wouldn't figure it out and I can't lie.... I love you baby... Grant and I made an agreement to wait the 12 weeks and sadly I think those may be among the longest of my life... we shall see when the day comes.

Are people REALLY that bad!?

For 4 years there was a group of 5 of us that were inseparable, we carpooled and traveled together with Hawaiian Tropic... then the craziest thing happened. I picked up my daughter and each of them split, seemingly overnight! I think there was one lunch 4 months later, more so to gawk at how bad I looked I am sure. Now almost 2 years later there has been one more dinner and maybe a handful of phone calls. They all walked away from me but still have each other. Grant is my best friend, as it should be... but when I am upset with him I have no one to turn to. I don't trust easily, it takes so much to open up to trust you with anything. Why is it that becoming a mom also made me a leper in the same breath. I realize that THEY didn't have 9 months to get used to the idea of me becoming a mommy, but I went through hell for 10 months praying I would even get her, but there was only ONE invitation that I missed and it was because I fell asleep on the couch while she was sick 3 weeks after she came to us. COME ON! I have made so many excuses for THEM over the past 2 years... so many and guess what, it still hurts.

I mean it still hurts and makes me very sad, also reminding me why I DON'T open up to people...

You know the biggest difference between me and them... I get a kiss and an 'I love you mommy' and it's all better. Here are her Pre-K school pictures

The past week...

This past week has been very emotionally taxing for me. Last weekend was the Miss Gold Coast Pageant, I have a lot of mixed feelings about kiddie pageants. I HATE THEM! I hate that women make their 3 year olds look like street walkers to win a pageant. Just because the mom wanted to or did compete 20 years ago doesnt mean that you need to push your beautiful little girl into a fluffy dress that probably cost more than my wedding gown! Then they have to walk around like little stepford children... it's just weird!


Wednesday was the Clothesline Project which is a way to 'air our dirty laundry' showing and honoring the crimes in orange county... each t-shirt is made by a victim or the family of a victim of violent crimes. I did my t-shirt and then to see it hung among the over 600 other shirts was amazing. I did get a little teary looking at and reading each shirt. It was touching to see. I was also lucky enough to be able to coordinate additional t-shirts made by the women at a local second step program (women that have graduated out of the emergency shelter) and was able to see those shirts hung. So much of my volunteering is helping me deal with my past... yet knowing that on some level I am helping another woman that is just like me... another woman that had the courage to leave, and even more courage than I did because they have children. I am amazed and touched by each of these women. Last night was my first night volunteering with the children's program at Second Step... I spent 2 hours just playing with these children. So many of them had not a care in the world. They just wanted to roll a ball back and forth, do crafts or play with the hoola-hoops! It was a wonderful time.


Then I was able to go home to my little family and realize how truly blessed I am. Sometimes I forget to stop and remember what I have and how much my family means to me. I have an amazing mother in law, father in law... brother in law and my family and my amazing husband and daughter. I am truly a very blessed woman.

Here is my t-shirt. I did add one more thing.

'I kept walking... 2035 days and counting!'

Ahhh... the love of my husband!

After a super hectic week and equally as hectic weekend my darling husband fixed the most WONDERFUL dessert for me last night. He spent the day as Mr. Mom... took care of Krystina, did laundry and cleaned the house (IT LOOKS AMAZING!) while I was judging beautiful people ages zero to 64! It was a 14 hour day of non stop glitter, fluffy gowns and big hair and SEQUINS!! There was a mom that was sobbing when her 4 year old won... I mean out loud sobbing! There is no money attached to this, no college scholarship... just a 7 foot tall trophy (WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS!) and a HUGE crown. Most of the little ones could barely hold their head up with the crowns... that was actually comical. I loved most of it, although I really HATE kiddy pageants. There was actually a three year old with bleached hair and wearing more makeup than me! How do you score this fairly, was she a beautiful girl... sure with 2 inches of makeup she looked like a porceline doll. So if you judge on that it just makes her win and the problem worse, but if you don't next time mom will just pile more on and again the problem is worse. It was really hard, but it did reaffirm me not wanting to put my beautiful daughter through that crap! I will just buy her the crown myself. Speaking of this. We got media sashes at our state pageant. Basically it's a piece of ribbon with your title screenprinted on it so that it's easily read from a distance. Well on Saturday I gave that to Krystina... she was in HEAVEN. She is always acting like my mini me. Modeling around the house, posing... and generally being a diva. So after watching my pageant it was no surprise that now she wants to compete. Hopefully my little sash will stop that want for at least 14 more years, that way she has time to develope a talent (preferrably singing) and then she can compete for Miss America and put herself through college.
OH WOW... totally got sidetracked. Anyways. After my 14 hour day I came home to warm homemade chocolate chip cookies and ICE CREAM! Oh my gosh. Grant put all this effort into making it a perfect night and I love him so much for little things like this. He is always giving me the most he can. I wish that he would see it as enough, although as human's I don't think we ever do.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday

Make a Smilebox slideshow

TGIF!

Today is a great Friday... Grant is off to the gym this morning but has a pretty good schedule, I get to make my first official Mrs OC appearance as a judge for the Gold Coast California State pageant (REALLY EXCITED, sash and crown and all!) I went yesterday to buy my crown, Grant asked why I couldn't just recycle an old one... AS IF! A new crown is required for every title, especially when you have to wear it in pictures. It's like wearing the same dress to homecoming and prom! you just don't do that. ha ha. Next weekend is my mentoring day with teen mothers, the following weekend is An Evening for Autism fundraiser (also a crown and sash affair) where I also get to mingle with current Miss California USA contestants, then I have a week off (no appearances) and then Music for a Cure benefitting children with illnesses through CHOC... all the while trying to get into the shelter once a week for the childrens program.
All of this pageant, domestic violence stuff has done wonders for me.. Being able to admit it, and not blame myself is amazing! I love pageants and all that they have done for me over the years from developing self confidence and learning how to conduct myself in an interview to helping me deal with my victimization at the hands of someone else. It's been amazing.

YEAH for the weekend... OH and tomorrow I get to hang out with my Grandma and Krystina. That should be fun, she is a pain (the grandma) but I know that she won't be around forever and I do love her and have an amazing relationship with her.

Speaking of Krystina... the other night we were at Kohl's looking for something for Grant. She is at the age that she wanders away a bit. I can always see her but often she looses sight of me. The other night was the perfect example... she was so busy dancing around the store looking in EVERY mirror she saw that she lost me for all of about 30 seconds. She got really scared and started crying as soon as she saw me. I bent down, comforted her while explaining why we don't walk away from mommy and daddy and she continued to cry and apologize... it was so sad but hopefully taught her a lesson. Anyhow... I look up and there are 3 or 4 women just staring at me as though they have never seen a crying child before. It's not like I was screaming or causing a scene and to be honest neither was Krystina. It was the most sad little pathetic cry ever, thats how I knew she wasn't faking ... as a parent we know their cry's. I almost lost EVERY bit of control I had of the situation. I mean do they really need to stare with their stupid, accusatory glares as though I was beating my child in the middle of the store. People irritate me... Like the dumb lady that knocked Krystina over to get out of Blockbuster while I was holding the door and didn't say a word to my daughter, except that time I commented as LOUD as I could about people with poor manners to no avail... oooh or the lady at Target that hit Krystina with her little hand held basket twice at 2 different spots in the store...again commented pretty loud about manners. Ahhh... feel so much better.

My crown picture in the car after picking it up... it's pretty and simple!

Ever had that day...

The day you wake up and feel that people are telling you WAY TMI, the kind of TMI that really makes you happy to be in your own little bubble with your husband and child (where there really isn't any TMI)? Yep... had one of those weeks. I have heard more about colon's, prostates and others sex lives to last me a while. It makes me SO happy to go home, to my Grant and Krystina and hang out. I have had nothing short of SARS the last 2 weeks and am just NOW feeling better, last night was the first night without a fever of 100+ for almost a week... I think my brain is a bit scrambled. True it is always a bit scrambled but at least now I think I may have a legitamate excuse.


The next few weeks are going to be busy around our little place... this weekend is Grant's 29th birthday (oh and happy birthday Freida!) also I have an audition on Sunday for a costume catalogue. Next weekend I get to judge a state beauty pageant, it's actually the same system I competed for my first title in almost 20 years ago... then the following weekend I am a volunteer and mentor for the Teen Voices Teen Choices program. This is a program that helps teen mothers make better decisions in life and relationships.... The following weekend is a gala benefit for autism. I will also start volunteering one day a week at the Second Step childrens program through the charity that I work with.


After re-reading the last paragraph I now realize how I got sick, ha ha... yep I do WAY too much in addition to working full time and taking care of my family but it's important to stay true to who you are while you are part of an 'us'. I think, as women, that is one of the largest mistakes that we can make... losing who we are once we get married. We haven't changed much more than our responsibility level and last name, why should we try to change the core of who we are and what we love to do.





YEP.. ANOTHER completely rambling blog... SEE MY BRAIN IS SCRAMBLED.

The last day I felt great... then the SARS kicked in and I was down for the count...

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim September 27, 2008

I love life..

I started at my new job on Monday at WaMu... now JP Morgan Chase & Co. I LOVE IT! I also have such an awesome little family. Every morning Krystina tells me to have a great day and work and 'no accidents in my pants' (we say this to her, just as a reminder) and it always makes me giggle. My husband loves me unconditionally, especially now that I am sick! He still sleeps in bed with me, no germophobe there. I got some pictures from my state pageant, I LOVE THEM! So here they are! I may even compete next year, depending on a few things. I do love my platform and REALLY want to help the victims of domestic violence... much the way I wish I had someone there for me when I was the victim.

Everyone needs someone, sometimes you just don't know it. I was horrible at and ashamed of asking for help because I always thought that DV was more of a 'minorities' issue than a normal white girl from Big Bear. I was wrong! So here I am 7 years later trying to help and give my heart to help these women and children rebuild their lives.

Krystina got to go to her first birthday party last weekend. It was for little Miss Kaylin, she is the daughter of one of Grant's co-workers. We had SO much fun. Mike and Christy did such an amazing job with games and the party. Krystina had so much fun playing at the park and socializing, although I think she played with mommy and daddy more than the other kids... I mean those parks are fun! lol

Our little slugger going after the pinata

Looking for buried treasure... Smarties and candy necklaces!

Krystina playing Pin the Sticker on the Pony... she loved it! There is her daddy, chillin

Friday... oh yeah!

I am so unbelievably glad that it's Friday for many reasons.

1. Umm hello Friday is the best day of the week
2. I get off at 2:15 (I get my nails done before I start my new job Monday)
3. I am really excited to only be 2 days away from my new job
4. It's pizza night at the Smith house... oh how I love pizza
5. Tomorrow is Kaelynn's birthday (AKA Krystina's first birthday party for someone her age)
6. The Angels game - now as much as I don't particularly care for baseball I am using this as an excuse to look sexy as hell for my husband. Tight Angels shirt, tight jeans and pigtails... if I can't get into the game at least I can look good and maybe even take some of Grant's attention away from the Angels for a brief moment
7. Brunch with Bryan and Michelle on Sunday
8. BIGGEST THING - I have no major PLANS this weekend. Yes I am sure with 8 bullet points it may be hard to believe but all of these things are with my family and I love that. As much as I love my volunteer work I love my family more
9. Oh and I almost forgot, I get to meet with the OC Sexual Assault advocates to become part of the Clothesline Project (more about that later)

Last night I got to hang out with my nephews Riley and Gavin. Riley is 10 going on 25, he is hysterical. We had so much fun just laughing and giggling through his homework. I really enjoy spending time with him, he is a good kid. Gavin is 3 weeks old so he isn't quite as much fun but he is awesome to just snuggle and stare at. He is a really good baby, thank goodness he isn't all collicky like Kylie (my niece) was... she would just cry for hours.

I left there last night really wanting to have a baby, it's a weird feeling. When it came to adopting Krystina, it was more about her than it was about being a mom. It was more about giving her the best life, giving her a happy home and love... when it comes to wanting a baby, because it isn't born nor do I know it, it is more about all of the awesome stuff that goes along with bringing a life into this world. Every night Krystina asks God for a baby sister. Although I know she has no idea what she is doing or who she is talking to, it is bittersweet for me. I do want a baby and I know she will be a great big sister as she is QUITE the little helper, I do not want to let her down. I am sure that this asking is just a phase and she will probably forget about it by this time next week but I can't wait to make her a big sister.

There have been months throughout this process that I have felt like I wasn't worthy of a baby. Here are drug addicts, abusive people and kids getting pregnant and I can't. I am a great mommy (I think), married to the most amazing man, in a stable and loving environment and sometimes can't understand why God doesn't want us to have a baby. I know that I shouldn't question His plan but at times it's hard. Here's to prayer... that's all I can do.

I can say it... NO

So I am realizing lately that I have some unexplained issue with simply saying "no". I can say it to my daughter... sorta, I can say it to my husband... most times, but anyone else... I find it virtually IMPOSSIBLE! A normal conversation:

Them: "Shana can you be here Sunday from sun up to sundown with no lunch, oh and it's 45 miles from your house"

ME "Well... ummm... thats really far and ummm.... it's a really long day, what am I doing?

Them: Smiling and sitting there, oh ad there may be limited bathroom breaks

Me: Ummm.... am I getting paid, no, oh ummm..... sure, I will be there"

No clue what my deal is, I know that I aim to please but geez louise! Grant always tells me that I need to do better about saying no, I need to understand that it is ok and perfectly acceptable. Well, I dont want people mad at me and I surely don't want to let them down. I am busy all the time, besides working and talking care of noodle and being a wife and trying to find some time to clean my house I find time to do all of this charity work. I love it and I love to volunteer but I can't be busy 7 days a week or I will loose it. I know all of this... that is what makes my inability to say no so damn funny. It's like knowing that it's going to hurt when you hit your thumb with a hammer but choosing to do it anyway.
Oh well... It will continue. This weekend is my brother in laws birthday, going to an Angel game and then I think I am going to take Krystina to the Festival of Children on Sunday, then next weekend is Grant's drill weekend in SD (OH and I am currently doing nothing) then the following is the hubby's birthday and the following I am judging a pageant... then I have 2 weekends free before my next thing.... then again that is until someone calls and asks me to do something and I can't find it in me to say no.

Our 1st Anniversary

Yesterday was our first anniversary... it was awesome! Even though I started the day sore as heck from the walk and had to work I knew it would be the perfect day. A day we could celebrate the wonderful year we have had as a married couple. I was amazed at how perfect the night was. I was able to get off work at 3 to head home and start our evening.

We started out by getting 1 hour massages... FANTASTIC is all I can say. We both walked out with such a relaxed look and so excited about our next stop. We had dinner at the Melting Pot, a fondue experience! Boy was it ever. It takes about 2-3 hours to finish the 4 course dinner. We started with a fiesta cheese fondue, then onto salad, then the fantastic dinner... 5 different meats to dip in a wine broth, AMAZING. Then the best part... DESSERT! Dark chocolate with marshmellow cream flambeed with oreo cookies, the best part was that they give you strawberries, bananas, brownies, marshmellows, cheese cake and pound cake to dip in it! We were both in HEAVEN. After dinner we headed down to the Marriott to take a picture of where it all began... it was an amazing night. To top it all off Grant gave me the most thoughtful gift ever... a poem that documents our last 22 months. It was beautiful and I couldn't stop crying. He even matted and framed it so we can hang it on our wall forever. I really love this man!

AFTER the walk!

Yesterday my mother in law and I finished the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. It was the MOST amazing experience of my life. I learned that early detection saves lives! I met and heard some of the most inspirational stories, girls my age that had lost their moms OR were SURVIVORS themselves. There were 2 women that I met, barely older than I am, one was walking BALD AND PROUD and the other was talking about how tired chemo made her (she still walked almost 20 miles). Breast Cancer is no longer our mom or grandma's disease. Women are being diagnosed as young as 19 years old. During the weekend they handed out a ribbon every 3 minutes to signify the number of women that are diagnosed with breast cancer. Every 3 minutes another woman is diagnosed, that is 480 women PER DAY diagnosed with this horrible disease.

Walking that far is very daunting but there are so many cheering sections along the way. The motivation comes from inside, I kept thinking how no pain in my feet or legs compared to chemotherapy, radiation or a mastectomy. There were so many men and women that were there with a sign saying survivor, how could I not walk. Besides, there were TONS of volunteers and honking horns and carrying funny signs and cheering in both in cars driving by and on the side of the road... as early as 7AM on Saturday!

There was Geoffrey, who wore a pink polo shirt holding a handwritten sign that read: "Go Mom." He was at nearly every mile cheering for everyone who walked. There was April, who drove her black SUV to several undesignated stops along Saturday's 26-mile route. She opened all four doors, blasted music and danced. She played all the best music and the girl was DANCING! I looked forward to the April sightings.

There was the guy who came out on his beachfront property on Seal Way in Seal Beach wearing nothing but underwear Saturday morning. None of the ladies seemed to mind. Perhaps we woke him up, but he still clapped for us. There were so many young people, little girls starting at younger than 4 years old handing out lollipops some wearing little cheerleading outfits telling us how great we were doing and boys handing out water bottles. There were the girl scouts handing out wet towels and both boy and girl scouts pitching tents at the wellness village!There was a family who grilled hot dogs and had hundreds of beverages for us out in their front yard, as though the Avon Walk was a big block party celebrated annually.

Then Sunday there was a guy who stood on top of his car in jeans and a cowboy hat and made us laugh. He even answered his phone once and admitted to one of his boys that he was standing on top of his wife’s car with his shirt off dancing to Madonna just to cheer us on... What a great way to keep a bunch of ladies motivated. There was even a guy with beer and coffee outside his home bright and early. He could've been inside drinking a beer and watching football, but he was busy handing out beverages to a bunch of ladies with tired feet and blisters. There were kids cheering in pink shirts and dogs wearing pink collars and leashes. There was an older woman who stood near the finish line clapping and yelling: "Thanks for walking for me."


Then I saw my husband and daughter, both holding signs. My little girl had a sign and on one side it said Congrats to mommy and the other side to Grammy, my husband has all sorts of signs with cute sayings, I think my favorite said "this is your breast performance". Seeing the two of them at the end of this journey made me so thankful to have my family.

There are nine cities that host the Avon Walk, Los Angeles raised a record $5 million. It was so hard not to be inspired by every person that was walking. I know people that have lost loved ones and although I wasn't walking for one person in particular I was walking for all of us and you will see me there again next year and hopefully every year and ideally never with a name on my back.

Opening Ceremony - We were there at 6:15am on Saturday

Geoffrey and his sign for his mom... what a wonderful support!

Lets get walking... just a sea of pink

Just before mile 20! There were lollipops in the bucket

Hitting mile 20 felt AWESOME! 6.2 miles left...