Ok... SOOOO Over it!

After my total meltdown on Saturday... yep there was anger and crying... I have decided that people suck and that is just life. Saturday night we were able to go out with some friends to the pumpkin patch. One couple, I met the wife and daughter last month but he and Grant work together, have a little girl that is the same age as Krystina. The girls had a blast running around for over 2 hours and the moms had fun talking about whatever it is moms talk about... ok and the dads had a great time talking about work and guns. It was so nice to hang out with another mom that understands parenting and how much we have to put in to be good parents. I don't look at my mommy job as a chore, it's one that I love but there is alot more work in being a mommy than people think. Then another couple showed up, they are a little younger than us but are currently without children. The wife is a snob... I mean she barely got off of her cell phone long enough to say hello. She treats me like crap... has pretty much since day one. She has made snide comments on myspace about watching Krystina ONCE even though it was her husband that offered. In her defense I did meet her at a Hawaiian Tropic contest that I was competing in last year BUT anyone who talks to me for more than 5 minutes knows that I am not 'that type' of girl. I am not the girl that thinks that I am better than anyone, everyone has amazing qualities to them and I am so happy in my life I do not want her husband! I don't understand women that let their insecurities run/ruin their life. My life revolves around my 4 year old, Disney and Target... I don't really care too much about nice purses or shoes because if they arent functional in my busy life then I don't really need them... ALTHOUGH a really nice purse for Christmas would be a pretty neat gift. Anyhow... back to my point. So here we are 3 couples, 2 four year olds and I realize that the friends that I make and meet now are probably the friends that Grant and I will keep. Not to say that the friends that have stuck by me, especially over the last 2 years don't mean the world to me now and I will always (hopefully!) have those friendships too. My point to this rambling is that the people that are truly part of my life now are the ones that matter not the twits that turn their back when a friendship gets hard or starts to rely on emails and phone calls. Just because you are friends does not mean you have to or even get to see those people all the time. Sometimes life gets in the way. Some of the people that I confide in and trust the most I don't see very often, some I haven't seen in 10 years plus but they are still such good friends. I guess it's true, that if you don't have kids you just don't understand the responsibility and time that is involved in being a good parent. I left Saturday night feeling blessed that we have good friends, I look forward to spending more time with the mommy and daughter we were with and moving on with my adult life.
Oh and the other thing I realized is that God truly has a sense of humor and makes you understand your own humility at the most inopportune times... like the couple that is CONSTANTLY talking divorce after 1 year gets pregnant. Could it get funnier than that... oh why yes it can... they announced their pregnancy less than 12 hours after finding out. This is also after doing the same thing last year, except they had a huge party celebrating a mere 4 days after finding out, and sadly they lost that baby. Why put yourself through that all over again... I spent the evening contiplating my own life and what I was doing wrong to not be able to get pregnant but guess what, God blessed us with an amazing little girl and maybe he thinks that she needs more alone time with mommy and daddy before becoming a big sister. Who knows but I am going to do better remembering what I have instead of what I don't. Lord knows I wouldnt tell the world the day I find out I am pregnant.. that is WAY too scary for me. Now will I be able to keep a total secret for 12 weeks, lets not get crazy and think that certain people in my life wouldn't figure it out and I can't lie.... I love you baby... Grant and I made an agreement to wait the 12 weeks and sadly I think those may be among the longest of my life... we shall see when the day comes.

Are people REALLY that bad!?

For 4 years there was a group of 5 of us that were inseparable, we carpooled and traveled together with Hawaiian Tropic... then the craziest thing happened. I picked up my daughter and each of them split, seemingly overnight! I think there was one lunch 4 months later, more so to gawk at how bad I looked I am sure. Now almost 2 years later there has been one more dinner and maybe a handful of phone calls. They all walked away from me but still have each other. Grant is my best friend, as it should be... but when I am upset with him I have no one to turn to. I don't trust easily, it takes so much to open up to trust you with anything. Why is it that becoming a mom also made me a leper in the same breath. I realize that THEY didn't have 9 months to get used to the idea of me becoming a mommy, but I went through hell for 10 months praying I would even get her, but there was only ONE invitation that I missed and it was because I fell asleep on the couch while she was sick 3 weeks after she came to us. COME ON! I have made so many excuses for THEM over the past 2 years... so many and guess what, it still hurts.

I mean it still hurts and makes me very sad, also reminding me why I DON'T open up to people...

You know the biggest difference between me and them... I get a kiss and an 'I love you mommy' and it's all better. Here are her Pre-K school pictures

The past week...

This past week has been very emotionally taxing for me. Last weekend was the Miss Gold Coast Pageant, I have a lot of mixed feelings about kiddie pageants. I HATE THEM! I hate that women make their 3 year olds look like street walkers to win a pageant. Just because the mom wanted to or did compete 20 years ago doesnt mean that you need to push your beautiful little girl into a fluffy dress that probably cost more than my wedding gown! Then they have to walk around like little stepford children... it's just weird!


Wednesday was the Clothesline Project which is a way to 'air our dirty laundry' showing and honoring the crimes in orange county... each t-shirt is made by a victim or the family of a victim of violent crimes. I did my t-shirt and then to see it hung among the over 600 other shirts was amazing. I did get a little teary looking at and reading each shirt. It was touching to see. I was also lucky enough to be able to coordinate additional t-shirts made by the women at a local second step program (women that have graduated out of the emergency shelter) and was able to see those shirts hung. So much of my volunteering is helping me deal with my past... yet knowing that on some level I am helping another woman that is just like me... another woman that had the courage to leave, and even more courage than I did because they have children. I am amazed and touched by each of these women. Last night was my first night volunteering with the children's program at Second Step... I spent 2 hours just playing with these children. So many of them had not a care in the world. They just wanted to roll a ball back and forth, do crafts or play with the hoola-hoops! It was a wonderful time.


Then I was able to go home to my little family and realize how truly blessed I am. Sometimes I forget to stop and remember what I have and how much my family means to me. I have an amazing mother in law, father in law... brother in law and my family and my amazing husband and daughter. I am truly a very blessed woman.

Here is my t-shirt. I did add one more thing.

'I kept walking... 2035 days and counting!'

Ahhh... the love of my husband!

After a super hectic week and equally as hectic weekend my darling husband fixed the most WONDERFUL dessert for me last night. He spent the day as Mr. Mom... took care of Krystina, did laundry and cleaned the house (IT LOOKS AMAZING!) while I was judging beautiful people ages zero to 64! It was a 14 hour day of non stop glitter, fluffy gowns and big hair and SEQUINS!! There was a mom that was sobbing when her 4 year old won... I mean out loud sobbing! There is no money attached to this, no college scholarship... just a 7 foot tall trophy (WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS!) and a HUGE crown. Most of the little ones could barely hold their head up with the crowns... that was actually comical. I loved most of it, although I really HATE kiddy pageants. There was actually a three year old with bleached hair and wearing more makeup than me! How do you score this fairly, was she a beautiful girl... sure with 2 inches of makeup she looked like a porceline doll. So if you judge on that it just makes her win and the problem worse, but if you don't next time mom will just pile more on and again the problem is worse. It was really hard, but it did reaffirm me not wanting to put my beautiful daughter through that crap! I will just buy her the crown myself. Speaking of this. We got media sashes at our state pageant. Basically it's a piece of ribbon with your title screenprinted on it so that it's easily read from a distance. Well on Saturday I gave that to Krystina... she was in HEAVEN. She is always acting like my mini me. Modeling around the house, posing... and generally being a diva. So after watching my pageant it was no surprise that now she wants to compete. Hopefully my little sash will stop that want for at least 14 more years, that way she has time to develope a talent (preferrably singing) and then she can compete for Miss America and put herself through college.
OH WOW... totally got sidetracked. Anyways. After my 14 hour day I came home to warm homemade chocolate chip cookies and ICE CREAM! Oh my gosh. Grant put all this effort into making it a perfect night and I love him so much for little things like this. He is always giving me the most he can. I wish that he would see it as enough, although as human's I don't think we ever do.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday

Make a Smilebox slideshow

TGIF!

Today is a great Friday... Grant is off to the gym this morning but has a pretty good schedule, I get to make my first official Mrs OC appearance as a judge for the Gold Coast California State pageant (REALLY EXCITED, sash and crown and all!) I went yesterday to buy my crown, Grant asked why I couldn't just recycle an old one... AS IF! A new crown is required for every title, especially when you have to wear it in pictures. It's like wearing the same dress to homecoming and prom! you just don't do that. ha ha. Next weekend is my mentoring day with teen mothers, the following weekend is An Evening for Autism fundraiser (also a crown and sash affair) where I also get to mingle with current Miss California USA contestants, then I have a week off (no appearances) and then Music for a Cure benefitting children with illnesses through CHOC... all the while trying to get into the shelter once a week for the childrens program.
All of this pageant, domestic violence stuff has done wonders for me.. Being able to admit it, and not blame myself is amazing! I love pageants and all that they have done for me over the years from developing self confidence and learning how to conduct myself in an interview to helping me deal with my victimization at the hands of someone else. It's been amazing.

YEAH for the weekend... OH and tomorrow I get to hang out with my Grandma and Krystina. That should be fun, she is a pain (the grandma) but I know that she won't be around forever and I do love her and have an amazing relationship with her.

Speaking of Krystina... the other night we were at Kohl's looking for something for Grant. She is at the age that she wanders away a bit. I can always see her but often she looses sight of me. The other night was the perfect example... she was so busy dancing around the store looking in EVERY mirror she saw that she lost me for all of about 30 seconds. She got really scared and started crying as soon as she saw me. I bent down, comforted her while explaining why we don't walk away from mommy and daddy and she continued to cry and apologize... it was so sad but hopefully taught her a lesson. Anyhow... I look up and there are 3 or 4 women just staring at me as though they have never seen a crying child before. It's not like I was screaming or causing a scene and to be honest neither was Krystina. It was the most sad little pathetic cry ever, thats how I knew she wasn't faking ... as a parent we know their cry's. I almost lost EVERY bit of control I had of the situation. I mean do they really need to stare with their stupid, accusatory glares as though I was beating my child in the middle of the store. People irritate me... Like the dumb lady that knocked Krystina over to get out of Blockbuster while I was holding the door and didn't say a word to my daughter, except that time I commented as LOUD as I could about people with poor manners to no avail... oooh or the lady at Target that hit Krystina with her little hand held basket twice at 2 different spots in the store...again commented pretty loud about manners. Ahhh... feel so much better.

My crown picture in the car after picking it up... it's pretty and simple!

Ever had that day...

The day you wake up and feel that people are telling you WAY TMI, the kind of TMI that really makes you happy to be in your own little bubble with your husband and child (where there really isn't any TMI)? Yep... had one of those weeks. I have heard more about colon's, prostates and others sex lives to last me a while. It makes me SO happy to go home, to my Grant and Krystina and hang out. I have had nothing short of SARS the last 2 weeks and am just NOW feeling better, last night was the first night without a fever of 100+ for almost a week... I think my brain is a bit scrambled. True it is always a bit scrambled but at least now I think I may have a legitamate excuse.


The next few weeks are going to be busy around our little place... this weekend is Grant's 29th birthday (oh and happy birthday Freida!) also I have an audition on Sunday for a costume catalogue. Next weekend I get to judge a state beauty pageant, it's actually the same system I competed for my first title in almost 20 years ago... then the following weekend I am a volunteer and mentor for the Teen Voices Teen Choices program. This is a program that helps teen mothers make better decisions in life and relationships.... The following weekend is a gala benefit for autism. I will also start volunteering one day a week at the Second Step childrens program through the charity that I work with.


After re-reading the last paragraph I now realize how I got sick, ha ha... yep I do WAY too much in addition to working full time and taking care of my family but it's important to stay true to who you are while you are part of an 'us'. I think, as women, that is one of the largest mistakes that we can make... losing who we are once we get married. We haven't changed much more than our responsibility level and last name, why should we try to change the core of who we are and what we love to do.





YEP.. ANOTHER completely rambling blog... SEE MY BRAIN IS SCRAMBLED.

The last day I felt great... then the SARS kicked in and I was down for the count...

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim September 27, 2008

I love life..

I started at my new job on Monday at WaMu... now JP Morgan Chase & Co. I LOVE IT! I also have such an awesome little family. Every morning Krystina tells me to have a great day and work and 'no accidents in my pants' (we say this to her, just as a reminder) and it always makes me giggle. My husband loves me unconditionally, especially now that I am sick! He still sleeps in bed with me, no germophobe there. I got some pictures from my state pageant, I LOVE THEM! So here they are! I may even compete next year, depending on a few things. I do love my platform and REALLY want to help the victims of domestic violence... much the way I wish I had someone there for me when I was the victim.

Everyone needs someone, sometimes you just don't know it. I was horrible at and ashamed of asking for help because I always thought that DV was more of a 'minorities' issue than a normal white girl from Big Bear. I was wrong! So here I am 7 years later trying to help and give my heart to help these women and children rebuild their lives.

Krystina got to go to her first birthday party last weekend. It was for little Miss Kaylin, she is the daughter of one of Grant's co-workers. We had SO much fun. Mike and Christy did such an amazing job with games and the party. Krystina had so much fun playing at the park and socializing, although I think she played with mommy and daddy more than the other kids... I mean those parks are fun! lol

Our little slugger going after the pinata

Looking for buried treasure... Smarties and candy necklaces!

Krystina playing Pin the Sticker on the Pony... she loved it! There is her daddy, chillin