Friday... oh yeah!

I am so unbelievably glad that it's Friday for many reasons.

1. Umm hello Friday is the best day of the week
2. I get off at 2:15 (I get my nails done before I start my new job Monday)
3. I am really excited to only be 2 days away from my new job
4. It's pizza night at the Smith house... oh how I love pizza
5. Tomorrow is Kaelynn's birthday (AKA Krystina's first birthday party for someone her age)
6. The Angels game - now as much as I don't particularly care for baseball I am using this as an excuse to look sexy as hell for my husband. Tight Angels shirt, tight jeans and pigtails... if I can't get into the game at least I can look good and maybe even take some of Grant's attention away from the Angels for a brief moment
7. Brunch with Bryan and Michelle on Sunday
8. BIGGEST THING - I have no major PLANS this weekend. Yes I am sure with 8 bullet points it may be hard to believe but all of these things are with my family and I love that. As much as I love my volunteer work I love my family more
9. Oh and I almost forgot, I get to meet with the OC Sexual Assault advocates to become part of the Clothesline Project (more about that later)

Last night I got to hang out with my nephews Riley and Gavin. Riley is 10 going on 25, he is hysterical. We had so much fun just laughing and giggling through his homework. I really enjoy spending time with him, he is a good kid. Gavin is 3 weeks old so he isn't quite as much fun but he is awesome to just snuggle and stare at. He is a really good baby, thank goodness he isn't all collicky like Kylie (my niece) was... she would just cry for hours.

I left there last night really wanting to have a baby, it's a weird feeling. When it came to adopting Krystina, it was more about her than it was about being a mom. It was more about giving her the best life, giving her a happy home and love... when it comes to wanting a baby, because it isn't born nor do I know it, it is more about all of the awesome stuff that goes along with bringing a life into this world. Every night Krystina asks God for a baby sister. Although I know she has no idea what she is doing or who she is talking to, it is bittersweet for me. I do want a baby and I know she will be a great big sister as she is QUITE the little helper, I do not want to let her down. I am sure that this asking is just a phase and she will probably forget about it by this time next week but I can't wait to make her a big sister.

There have been months throughout this process that I have felt like I wasn't worthy of a baby. Here are drug addicts, abusive people and kids getting pregnant and I can't. I am a great mommy (I think), married to the most amazing man, in a stable and loving environment and sometimes can't understand why God doesn't want us to have a baby. I know that I shouldn't question His plan but at times it's hard. Here's to prayer... that's all I can do.

I can say it... NO

So I am realizing lately that I have some unexplained issue with simply saying "no". I can say it to my daughter... sorta, I can say it to my husband... most times, but anyone else... I find it virtually IMPOSSIBLE! A normal conversation:

Them: "Shana can you be here Sunday from sun up to sundown with no lunch, oh and it's 45 miles from your house"

ME "Well... ummm... thats really far and ummm.... it's a really long day, what am I doing?

Them: Smiling and sitting there, oh ad there may be limited bathroom breaks

Me: Ummm.... am I getting paid, no, oh ummm..... sure, I will be there"

No clue what my deal is, I know that I aim to please but geez louise! Grant always tells me that I need to do better about saying no, I need to understand that it is ok and perfectly acceptable. Well, I dont want people mad at me and I surely don't want to let them down. I am busy all the time, besides working and talking care of noodle and being a wife and trying to find some time to clean my house I find time to do all of this charity work. I love it and I love to volunteer but I can't be busy 7 days a week or I will loose it. I know all of this... that is what makes my inability to say no so damn funny. It's like knowing that it's going to hurt when you hit your thumb with a hammer but choosing to do it anyway.
Oh well... It will continue. This weekend is my brother in laws birthday, going to an Angel game and then I think I am going to take Krystina to the Festival of Children on Sunday, then next weekend is Grant's drill weekend in SD (OH and I am currently doing nothing) then the following is the hubby's birthday and the following I am judging a pageant... then I have 2 weekends free before my next thing.... then again that is until someone calls and asks me to do something and I can't find it in me to say no.

Our 1st Anniversary

Yesterday was our first anniversary... it was awesome! Even though I started the day sore as heck from the walk and had to work I knew it would be the perfect day. A day we could celebrate the wonderful year we have had as a married couple. I was amazed at how perfect the night was. I was able to get off work at 3 to head home and start our evening.

We started out by getting 1 hour massages... FANTASTIC is all I can say. We both walked out with such a relaxed look and so excited about our next stop. We had dinner at the Melting Pot, a fondue experience! Boy was it ever. It takes about 2-3 hours to finish the 4 course dinner. We started with a fiesta cheese fondue, then onto salad, then the fantastic dinner... 5 different meats to dip in a wine broth, AMAZING. Then the best part... DESSERT! Dark chocolate with marshmellow cream flambeed with oreo cookies, the best part was that they give you strawberries, bananas, brownies, marshmellows, cheese cake and pound cake to dip in it! We were both in HEAVEN. After dinner we headed down to the Marriott to take a picture of where it all began... it was an amazing night. To top it all off Grant gave me the most thoughtful gift ever... a poem that documents our last 22 months. It was beautiful and I couldn't stop crying. He even matted and framed it so we can hang it on our wall forever. I really love this man!

AFTER the walk!

Yesterday my mother in law and I finished the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. It was the MOST amazing experience of my life. I learned that early detection saves lives! I met and heard some of the most inspirational stories, girls my age that had lost their moms OR were SURVIVORS themselves. There were 2 women that I met, barely older than I am, one was walking BALD AND PROUD and the other was talking about how tired chemo made her (she still walked almost 20 miles). Breast Cancer is no longer our mom or grandma's disease. Women are being diagnosed as young as 19 years old. During the weekend they handed out a ribbon every 3 minutes to signify the number of women that are diagnosed with breast cancer. Every 3 minutes another woman is diagnosed, that is 480 women PER DAY diagnosed with this horrible disease.

Walking that far is very daunting but there are so many cheering sections along the way. The motivation comes from inside, I kept thinking how no pain in my feet or legs compared to chemotherapy, radiation or a mastectomy. There were so many men and women that were there with a sign saying survivor, how could I not walk. Besides, there were TONS of volunteers and honking horns and carrying funny signs and cheering in both in cars driving by and on the side of the road... as early as 7AM on Saturday!

There was Geoffrey, who wore a pink polo shirt holding a handwritten sign that read: "Go Mom." He was at nearly every mile cheering for everyone who walked. There was April, who drove her black SUV to several undesignated stops along Saturday's 26-mile route. She opened all four doors, blasted music and danced. She played all the best music and the girl was DANCING! I looked forward to the April sightings.

There was the guy who came out on his beachfront property on Seal Way in Seal Beach wearing nothing but underwear Saturday morning. None of the ladies seemed to mind. Perhaps we woke him up, but he still clapped for us. There were so many young people, little girls starting at younger than 4 years old handing out lollipops some wearing little cheerleading outfits telling us how great we were doing and boys handing out water bottles. There were the girl scouts handing out wet towels and both boy and girl scouts pitching tents at the wellness village!There was a family who grilled hot dogs and had hundreds of beverages for us out in their front yard, as though the Avon Walk was a big block party celebrated annually.

Then Sunday there was a guy who stood on top of his car in jeans and a cowboy hat and made us laugh. He even answered his phone once and admitted to one of his boys that he was standing on top of his wife’s car with his shirt off dancing to Madonna just to cheer us on... What a great way to keep a bunch of ladies motivated. There was even a guy with beer and coffee outside his home bright and early. He could've been inside drinking a beer and watching football, but he was busy handing out beverages to a bunch of ladies with tired feet and blisters. There were kids cheering in pink shirts and dogs wearing pink collars and leashes. There was an older woman who stood near the finish line clapping and yelling: "Thanks for walking for me."


Then I saw my husband and daughter, both holding signs. My little girl had a sign and on one side it said Congrats to mommy and the other side to Grammy, my husband has all sorts of signs with cute sayings, I think my favorite said "this is your breast performance". Seeing the two of them at the end of this journey made me so thankful to have my family.

There are nine cities that host the Avon Walk, Los Angeles raised a record $5 million. It was so hard not to be inspired by every person that was walking. I know people that have lost loved ones and although I wasn't walking for one person in particular I was walking for all of us and you will see me there again next year and hopefully every year and ideally never with a name on my back.

Opening Ceremony - We were there at 6:15am on Saturday

Geoffrey and his sign for his mom... what a wonderful support!

Lets get walking... just a sea of pink

Just before mile 20! There were lollipops in the bucket

Hitting mile 20 felt AWESOME! 6.2 miles left...

TOTAL Randomness...Yep, minor ADD here

Tomorrow is day one of the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer... I am getting nervous. 26.2 miles is pretty daunting to walk. In addition to that I have not had much time to prepare lately, no time to walk and I haven't packed at all. I guess everything else in life has pretty much taken over. Sometimes I feel that my daily 'me' time is gone. I know that it's because of this job, I have to haul butt to get home to have ANY time to work out but sadly I have done that only once in the last 3 weeks. I have been walking at lunch (3 or 4 times now) about a mile and it's up hill and down hill so my booty is really getting a workout. I love the way working out makes me feel. It's the best way to reduce stress and boy do I feel that I have a lot of it lately.
I have gained a decent amount of weigh over the past two years. Yes, I know that I was unhealthy and underweight when I was working for HT but guess what, I was used to that weight and those size of clothing. While I never want to let myself get back to that weight I still find it hard to buy clothes for my current weight, yes I only weigh 130lbs at 5'10 and yes that is still textbook underweight but I can not weigh more unless there is a baby in my belly. Mentally 130 was a tough number for me to hit... sadly when I realized that I had hit it I was actually 9-11 lbs over it. I was crushed, I cried, I wanted to stop eating... I mean come on I knew my clothes were fitting WAY tighter and breathing was becoming a luxury but I was still going to fit into my 2's & 4's damnit! So with the realization I weighed 140 came the realization that I needed to buy size, GASP, 6 or 8! Yep, more tears and leaving the store with nothing but a sick feeling in my stomach. For the first time I had celulite on my legs... and my butt! I feel very blessed that I had my husband through all of this. 9 weeks before my wedding I vowed to lose enough weight to be COMFORTABLE in my wedding gown and my wedding night attire. So I started walking/running at the park every day. By my wedding date I was down to 135 and happily in a size 6. Today I have lost those last 5lbs but just want to get more tone... not lose weight just tone. It's funny, my weight used to define me (or so I thought) but now I want to be healthy for my daughter, for my husband and for myself. I don't decide who I am as a person based solely on my weight... true I still have fat days, bloated days... days that I pinch my fat (or skin, whatever) and feel like I need to run 25 miles and stop eating but I have learned to fight it.
This walk has really brought back my weight issues and my obsession with working out but it has also required me to deal with those issues head on because I have to be healthy to walk, I can't push my obsession off anymore and for that I am very grateful.
Monday is my first anniversary... sadly I feel that I haven't really made enough time for that either. I had this really neat idea but I totally ran out of time. I have never thought of myself as someone with a time management problem but lately there just aren't enough hours in the day! Last night I sat in the car and cried because I wanted to get him the perfect gift with the perfect thought and message to show my husband how much I love and appreciate him... I was so mentally drained every gift I came up with wasn't good enough. Then I sat back and realized that any gift that I got would be perfect because I wouldn't buy him something without a lot of thought, he would love whatever the gift was because it was from me. So I bought him the perfect gift. We agreed we would either go traditional (paper) or modern (a clock) so I did one of those. I can't wait to give him his gift on Monday... we have massages scheduled to help with the tension and stress of this last week for both of us. Just being together will make for the perfect anniversary. I dont need an elaborate trip (although sitting on a tropical beach with a bay breeze in my hand sounds awesome), I don't need a big expensive fancy dinner... just to be able to hug and kiss the love of my life is more than so many people get on any day much less an anniversary. I feel so blessed and so lucky every day to have the family and the life that I do.
** Please continue to pray for baby Reese, that her life on this earth (however long) is comfortable and full of love. She is an amazing baby that has touched the lives of so many in her short life, she has made people realize how precious life is and how important it is to treasure each and every day we have with our loved ones. She has amazing parents that already realize that, parents that love on her and make sure that she knows that she is surrounded by love.

Update on beautiful Reese

This is from her blog:

Both doctors agreed that Reese has an enormous amount of medical issues and that her days appear to be numbered (days to weeks to a few months at best). With Reese's heart / lung condition not showing signs of getting worse (still very weak and compromised though) and with her not being in pain, Ashley and I have decided to see how she responds when she is taken off of the sedation to see if she can be stable. If she is not able to be stable without being sedated which lets her body rest, then we will have to reconsider leaving her on life support as she will have to be in a constant sedated state which leaves her unresponsive.

Our prayer is that Lord will call her home without us having to make the life support decision or for the Lord to improve her condition dramatically where she does not have to be in intensive care. We know that God has numbered all of our days and the thought of our daughter being called home to Heaven shortly leaves us with great joy and peace and also sorrow as we will deeply miss her until we see her again in Heaven. In the midst of great sorrow and tears, we can still have joy because we know that the Lord is in complete control, works out all things (including evil) for our good and that the ultimate end to our life on earth is the start of our life in Heaven.

Her condition emphasizes that God cursed all creation and that creation suffers everywhere, the suffering of our time on earth compares nothing to the glory of Heaven and we all will die someday and will loose everything on earth. We will all stand before the Lord in judgement either forgiven by the death of Christ and accepted into Heaven or condemned to eternal hell for those who have not repented of their sins to God and accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior as the Bible states. We are also thankful that God grants Heaven to all of those who have not reached the age of accountability or are not able to be accountable due to cognitive issues. Going through this trial makes knowing the Lord and Heaven more sweet and is a reminder that life is but a vapor.

Please say a prayer

Little Reese is having a rough time these last few days. This beautiful little 10 month old baby girl has lived her short life in the hospital with Emmanuel Syndrome. It's unbelievable to think how many people's lives this child has touch, it is evident on their blog. When a family friend posted that Reese wasn't doing well there were 60 posts within a few hours, most of which were from people that had never met Reese but had been following her story practically since birth. Every person vowing to pray for Reese and her family. Such an outpouring of love and support for this family.
I have only met Reese's mommy, Ashley, once... her family is close with my in-laws . Ashley is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She is positive and has an unfaultering faith that I find truly inspiring. She is both the first and last person that you would ever want to see go through this trying time. The first because her love and faith in the Lord would have it no other way, the last because she has suffered enough losses for a lifetime. I would never want to see anyone lose a loved one, especially a child but hopefully Ashley knows in her heart that although Reese's time on earth has been short she has touched people in a way that no one would have thought was possible for this small child. I will keep praying that Reese pulls through this and gets better also knowing that the Lord works in mysterious ways and has a plan for all of us.

Date Night

Last night was date night... and it was SO needed! With Grant's schedule being all over the place for the last few months (nights and graves) we really needed some time together. Our last date night was in San Clemente in JULY! He scoured the internet looking for the one thing that I have been craving for awhile... a GOOD Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. He FOUND IT! So for our date night we went to Philly's Best and then to the beach to just relax and talk. Then around 8:30 (yep we know we are old now) we decided to head home as we were both tired from the weird sleep schedules. I feel so lucky to have a husband that I love to talk to.

Our first anniversary is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I can't believe that it's already been a year. So many things have gone on and I feel like we have really made the best of our year.

Anyhoo... I will leave you with an AMAZING MOUTH WATERING picture to get you through your day (and mine!)

First day of Pre-K

Krystina started pre-kindergarten today. I got a little teary... it seems like just yesterday I picked her up wearing diapers and now she says things like "actually mommy that isn't true" When I tell her that she is getting too big she tells me that I can put her in a closet so she will stop growing... ha ha. I wish! She got to wear a new outfit today, that she told me her friends weren't going to like even though yesterday she told me it was 'awesome' GO FIGURE!