Silly mommy

Last night I got to spend some much needed time with friends. A girlfriend of mine is a makeup artist and last night she needed a character model for her Media Makeup class... initially I was going to be made into a vampire BUT when I got there it was actually a zombie. It was fun to just be out doing a ton of nothing around girls and gay men. Sitting there made me miss modeling and really made me want to push to do it again and follow my dreams. I have wanted to model for pretty much my whole life... then I gave it up and not totally sure why. I know that Grant wouldn't have wanted me to or made me, I know that I don't want Krystina to ever give up on hers so I guess I need to teach by doing and not by the old 'Do as I say not as I do' mentality.


With that being said, I am going to really push to get my body back where I want it... healthy, not waif like. I want to be toned but not lose too much of my weight (honestly only about 2-4lbs MAX) and just add some muscle and I would be happy. I love my family and never want to take away from my family time or my family dynamic because I love what Grant, Krystina and I have but I don't ever want to wonder, 'What if..."

Here are some pictures of my Zombie transformation from last night...

Gotta love doctors!

I rush to get all of my tests done... but guess what. The doctors office doesn't take the extra time to do ANYTHING! I have a pretty strict time frame before Grant leaves for AT, well the doctors office dragging their feet and the lab screwing up has shot my time frame to hell. Now I can't do the last test needed until he gets home because the doctors office took so long I don't have the 21 days needed to get the test done. I could just burst into flames I am so annoyed.

On a much happier note... Grant and Krystina did their second daddy and noodle coffee time this morning. She loves her time with daddy and I love the fact that they can have the relationship that allows them to do this stuff. I love my little family. I can't imaging adding any more children because I just can't imagine how I could love any more. I am so blessed with a great husband, a great daughter... amazing nieces and an eclectic family.

Could there be any more idiots in this county!

So I went to the doctor last week... they are getting together a ton of tests promising me that we can get these all handled quickly. There are forms, procedure requests and prescriptions. Yep, I am on a mission to get them done ASAP. This is how the debacle started...
I make the appointment for my lab work for Saturday morning because I have to fast, go in... wait my 20 minutes and they take my blood. Krystina held my hand telling me not to cry (very cute moment) After that I was STARVING, so I went to breakfast with my mother in law, hung out for a bit and then headed home. We ate lunch and put on our bathing suits when my phone rings... it's the lab. they need more blood. Now mind you they took 4 viles for 3 tests... why do you need MORE blood. So I ask, the guy BARELY speaks English so I politely ask to speak to someone else. They just tell me that they need more, won't tell me why. I am NOT screwing up my afternoon for you people... I went back monday, only to find out that actually they mislabeled it! Yep, MORONS!
Then on Monday I call to make another appointment for another test. They start asking me specific questions about my test... the paperwork the doctor gave me just says 'routine' and nothing else. The big difference is whether or not I need to be fasting or full of water. So I think I will be smart and call the doctors office... the lady I need isn't there and another lady calls me back at 10 minutes to 5, leaves me a message with all of the WRONG information. I don't even think this lady looked at my chart before she called me. I can't believe how unbelievably frustrating this has been. I have my appointment scheduled for today and still don't know if I am supposed to be fasting or drinking water! AHHH the frustration.
I just feel blessed that I have a super supportive husband and the funniest daughter I could ask for ... the two of them make me realize what is truly important in life and that the best way to get through all of this is not to kill someone, they make me realize what I have to lose... ha ha

One of those days!

After having the last several weeks of feeling AMAZING, both physically and mentally. I have a fantastic life, an amazing husband and the best little girl that I could ask for. I have been hitting the gym pretty regularly and walking for at least an hour to get my body prepared for the big Avon walk. Then for whatever reason, this morning I hit a brick wall! I wanted to sit and cry and throw EVERYTHING in my closet away, I wanted to beg Grant to let me cut all the fat off my body (yes gross and graphic) but I felt that bad about how I looked. I changed, then again and then again. I hate mornings like this. Where, really nothing happened but I just fell apart.
I have this doctors appointment today, which in itself is really nothing. This is just a referral appointment to get to another doctor. I guess to me this is just the start of everything, this appointment means that maybe there really is a problem, something that I have been able to kind of avoid over the last several years. It's one thing to think that you may be broken when it doesn't matter... ya know if your leg is broken before you know how to walk you don't really need to worry about it because you don't use it... but if you break your leg once you are walking it's kind of a big deal. I have put these fears away for a bit, because they were not really pressing. We have had such a busy 18 months (yesterday :) ) that I never really focused on it. I am terrified that something is wrong with me, then on the flip side I am terrified if it's not. If it's not then what the hell is the problem, if there is we can at least move forward in another direction.
Sometimes all of this just makes me feel so lost and out of control... I know that is where my body issues come from, control. It's an amazing thing when control or lack there of can completely consume other areas of your life.

I am amazingly lucky for my husband, daughter and my close family and friends... I have received the most amazing support throughout my life. Some of the advice has been completely invaluable.

The perfect weekend!

I had the best weekend with my little family!

Friday night I went over to a girlfriends house, it was really nice to not hear the word mommy 10 thousand times in less than 2 minutes. I was out pretty late (especially for me) and came home so appreciative of my husband, the other girls I was with either had husbands in Iraq or leaving shortly. I know that could very possibly be my situation at some point but it made me so thankful that my husband is home. He may get on my nerves or make a mess or any number of annoying things that men do but regardless I have my husband home... he is not on the warfront, he is not in another country or state or worse.
Saturday we just hung out as a family, Grant had to work that evening so little one and I just hung out... there was some princess dancing and a little bit of Tinkerbell fluttering but A LOT of fun. I do love having a girl so much. Krystina is so much like I was at her age. She is always performing, always singing or dancing and if there is no music she will create her own.
Mothers Day was awesome! It was my first 'official' mothers day. The only thing that I asked for was to be able to sleep in. Grant got up with Krystina, took her to have coffee (chocolate milk for her) and then to the park. I woke up to the silence of our house at 9:15/9:30. It was amazing! Then I got her beautiful homemade sticker and card. I absolutly loved it. Grant got me coffee to wake me up, my favorite Carmel Macchiato. Then he gave me a pedometer ( I LOVE IT!), a set of plastic popcorn 'bags' and popcorn for Krystina and my movie nights, a really pretty inspirational plaque, wonderful book about mothers and daughters (they put beautiful stickers all through it) and a beautiful card.

Then off to my mother-in-laws house for dinner. We all just enjoyed eachothers company there. We got her flowers and a card, and she got me the same. It was the sweetest card, I cried... yep big bawl baby these days.

For my first Mothers Day, my first girls night out and first weekend home with Grant in a few weeks it was amazing! I couldn't have asked for a better man to share my life, daughter to give my life to or family to make for an amazing ride. I feel like one of the most blessed woment ever!

Girls Night

After the last two weeks of being torn in different directions both mentally and physically I am getting to go to a girls night. Wow, I haven't been to one of these in awhile. I did go to the bachelorette party a few weeks ago but that was hardly what I had in mind for a girls night. I am just looking forward to a bit of mommy free time, a little bit of time with other girls to let my hair down a bit. I am a bit apprehensive because it's been a really long time since I had girl time. I did invite some friends over last summer, they spent the time texting each other and generally making me feel uncomfortable in my own home... so that was the final straw for me. I am really looking forward to tomorrow, even being nervous it will be a nice close to the week. I feel almost guilty wanting to go and honestly I am not sure if I can have fun without having my family around me. So much of who I am now is identifiable in being a mommy. There are times that I am home without Grant or Krystina and I almost don't know what to do. It's the weirdest feeling but I feel like I am letting them down if I am not home. I feel like I am letting Grant down, I feel like I am letting Krystina down too and that feeling kills me!

Grant will be home tonight. I am so excited to see him but I know that right now things are a bit weird with him. He thought I was upset last night and that wasn't the case. I just thought that if he promised to do something or promised to try that he really would. Maybe he did but he forgets that while he is playing with the boys up there I am home alone down here. If I am on the computer too much he says I am being a secret squirrel, if I am calling random people out of boredom he thinks that I miss my old life... nope, just BORED. That is another reason I am looking forward to tomorrow night... maybe I will meet new people and be able to do more when he is gone so I am not going stir crazy in the house. I know that I am a big baby but I have been in a real funk this week. I am weirded out by the Valerie visit, then my doctor changed my appt. that I have been waiting for, and then not being able to talk to Grant really about any of this has been really hard on me. I know that he is leaving for longer next month and I know that will be equally as hard but I seem to be more at ease when he is doing Army stuff because I know he can only call occasionally and I accept that more than feeling like he doesn't want to talk to me. My mind is whirling with all of the things that have happened the last 2 weeks, I have so much in my heart, so many things to say and I can't seem to get it out. I know that my husband loves me, I know that he wants to talk to me but I think he likes a little bit of freedom at times too. I love him so much.

Parent's don't ALWAYS know best

Last night I went to have dinner at my Grandma's house for an early Mothers Day because my mom was in town as well. She missed Krystina's birthday so I wanted to make sure that Krystina got to see her Grammie Shiloh (she named her grandparents after their animals) and I am pushing to make sure that they have the relationship that I never had with my dad's parents. I get very frustrated because I don't feel that my mom puts in as much effort but whatever... I have learned to accept it.

* A little back story * My grandmother lives DIRECTLY across from Krystina's birth grandmother. You walk out my grandma's door or look out her window and you are looking into the birth family apartment. Well, they have only called 2 or 3 times since LAST JULY to talk to Krystina, they didn't call at Christmas but did talk to her for a few moments on her birthday. I have been very protective of my little one, I don't want her to be scared or go back into thinking that she is going to be taken away again so I suspended all visitation last year after I found out that the grandpa was diagnosed with Hepatitis... and still showed up for visitation.

Well, last night my mother was PUSHING me to let Krystina see them. We have worked so hard to get comfortable with going to my grandmothers house, we have worked with her to reassure her that we are her parents and that she is never going anywhere. We are past the crying fits that she is going to leave or get a new mommy/daddy, we are past the nightmares. I am doing whatever I can to not go back to that time in her little life. So my mothers annoying pushing is more than I can stomach sometimes. I want to just shake her and tell her to butt out... stop trying to identify with the birth family. Stop making me feel bad for protecting my daughter the only way I know how and honestly no differently than she would if the roles were reversed.
Finally after all the drama I went over to talk to them (LIKE A BIG WHITE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM) and Krystina followed me. She introduced herself to them, answered one question from them and was gone... she proceeded to tell Grammie that I introduced her to Great Grammie's neighbors. She had no memory of them and I am OK with that... it may sound harsh but it's preservation. I have never held the fact she is adopted from her, I have never denied that she didn't come from my belly... I want her to be proud of her adoption and proud of herself. I love her more than anything.
The hardest thing about last night is not sharing it with Grant. I know that we don't have a conventional schedule for married couples but it does work for us... most of the time. this week has been a little rough for me and I am really looking forward to this weekend, just HOPING that he has mothers day off. I love my husband and miss him terribly but I do know that this is just the beginning... AT is coming up and then his schools and then anything else that his job tosses his way. It's a little frustrating at times but I love this man more than life and nothing would take me away from him. I wish that he realized that a little more often but hey, he is a man. He is my best friend, he is the person that I turn to for everything, the person that I look forward to touching and kissing everyday. He keeps me grounded and sane... he balances me out. I couldn't imagine life without him... SEE I AM VERY SAPPY RIGHT NOW!

mommy time!

This morning Krystina and I got ready to go early so we made a mommy and me trip to Starbucks. She had the organic milk (sounds SO nasty to me) and I had my normal Carmel Macchiato with an additional 2 shots of espresso. She loves this time so much, so do I. Then I dropped her off to school and I headed to work. I have loved every minute of my time with her the past several days. I do worry about how she is going to be when daddy gets home, I wonder what is going on in that little head of hers. Does she think that he abandoned her because she really is too young to understand, does she know that he is coming back... what? I worry so much that when he gets home she is going to rebel and refuse to listen to him. I know that he is having a hard time with all of this too... I mean how could you not. I don't want to ever feel like our family is holding him back from things because she reacts to things differently than other children. He is her first daddy, he is the first man to really be in her life so I know that it is all harder for her to deal with and understand. I try to explain as much as I can to her so that she knows that her daddy loves her and wants to be there but can't because of the Army or his work. I love them both so much and hate to see them struggle.... especially in understanding eachother.

1 night down...

YAY! Krystina and I had a great time last night, just dancing and playing around. It was very weird without daddy, I got VERY bored after she went to bed so I laid down about 9:30 (an hour and a half earlier than normal). I talked to Grant for a few moments last night and really felt thankful for all that I have. He is the biggest supporter in my life of all my little random things. I couldn't be happier.
Tomorrow is Susan's bridal shower, she is my soon-to-be sister in law by marrying Grant's brother. I have mixed feelings about going as I feel very unwanted by her in general, like I am invited out of obligation and not want. I wouldn't go but I know that even if I am not wanted all hell could brake loose that I didnt come. I even got her a thoughful gift... a sweatshirt with her new name on it... hopefully she will like it. I know that so much of it is the jealousy that I got married first, that I have the first grandchild and the more romantic brother (hey she said it) but come on... be happy with what you have in your life. I have gone to hell and back in the last 10 years to be where I am. I have had some of the worst experiences that you wouldn't wish on anyone and on the other side I have had some of the best but guess what... I am so happy with who and where I am in life. I have had to work to be the person I am now, the person that doesn't hold onto the crap in the past. I love my daughter, my husband and my family so much and am who I am inspite of my past.

and it starts...

Grant left today for the first of his work trips... this one is 4 days, he is home 24 hours and is gone another 4 days. I am perfectly capable of all of the day to day life stuff but it's weird without him. I got up at 4 to make sure he got up and then actually got up at 4:30 to spend a bit of time with him before he left. He is so amazing and I love this man to death... I must if I got up that early! Sunday night is date night, we have a gift certificate for a really nice dinner and I can't wait. Krystina has been a bit out of sorts lately. Sometimes I worry that it's my parenting and I am doing something wrong but then when she loosk at me and says that she loves or misses me I know that she is fine. we are kinda learning together I guess... all three of us. She and I hit Starbucks this morning for a little bit of quiet time before school/work and loved it all. I am still working out and getting fit, I love the feeling of my clothes fitting again and I love the way Grant looks at me so it's perfect!
I did my walk last weekend... well the 8 mile one. It was amazing. You see all of these women with signs, or t-shirts saying 'walking for my mom, myself or another name' and it makes you see the reality of this disease. Cancer is something that can't be cured but we are getting there... we will do it and I am going to do my part. even if it is something as simple as the annual walk but I can't sit by and do nothing and pray that it doesn't hit my family any closer than it has...

I found this little saying that makes me smile daily:

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance....

Live life today, there will be plenty of time to be dead later