My angel's 5th bithday!

Krystina's 5th birthday was a huge milestone for her and us. Our little noodle amazed us with her manners and her humility. She was so excited that all her family and her friends were there is was very heartwarming... 50+ people was a lot for mommy to handle but I felt very blessed. My parents were in town celebrating their 30th anniversary so they were able to bundle it together and come. This was really the first time K invited her little friends from school... it was tons of fun.

A fight and some clarity

This last few weeks has been very trying for me and for us. Just life, in all it's glory, gets to me sometimes. I start feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Grant and I keep saying that we should be stress free with the recent financial events in our life however I almost feel more stressed than ever. Sadly even the two of us have been fussing a bit with all of the 'moving parts' in our lives. Grant has been working a swing shift (4-midnight) for the better part of the last month and sadly his only weekend days off have been for drill. Swings are really tough on us because we have to rely on technology for communication. Everything we coordinate or say is via text, email or on the phone as there is only about 1/2 a day that he and I see each other...Krystina is a whole other issue. So due to this I start feeling like I can't handle it all because I am a people pleaser and I want to ensure that Grant is happy all of the time... yes I know it's impossible but it's who I am. I know that I am messy and my laundry gets completed on a rare occasion but it's mainly because I am so overwhelmed and exhausted mentally and physically by the time Krystina goes to bed that I just veg and then fall asleep.

Anyhow... last night after I met with my pageant coach we were particularly fussy. (Backstory: I thought I told him that my parents and their dog were staying with us tonight, apparently he didn't know and then last night he tried to get home before I left so I could eat with them but I didn't have time... I know story of my life) In the midst of our conversation I was able to verbalize something that I have been thinking for so long. I spent the better part of my adult life not being truly happy or content with my life. I did the marriage thing young and that ended so badly, and truth be told my contentment issues and happiness issues started long before that relationship, but my issues continued through all of my relationships and jobs and modeling... it wasn't until I met Grant and we got Krystina that I found a sense of peace that I had longed for. I explained how I can go from totally mad at night to calm and peaceful and loving in the morning regardless of my conviction the previous night. I realize that even though I get frustrated, annoyed, angry and irritated with my husband and my daughter... I am blessed that I have the two of them to be that way at. I get annoyed at picking up clothes or having to repeat myself 12 times (apparently I speak too quickly) but at least I have a family to have these issues.

This weekend is Krystina's birthday party... we kept saying we were keeping it small... UMMM RIGHT! I believe we have a total of 50 people confirmed, yep and 14 of those are kids. Tonight my parents are coming into town, I am making ice cream cone cupcakes tonight as well as getting the rest of the decorations I may be missing. Krystina is SO excited about the cupcake ice cream cones... it's really cute. I was going to make them for everyone but to be honest I am not making and frosting 50 of these buggers so the adults can have sheet cake... ha ha.

My pageant is in 3 weeks and I feel incredibly confident. Last night I met with a pageant coach to help with my interview, she gave me a bunch of homework to do before we meet again. I have my swimsuit, my suit is in the mail, my opening number dress just needs to be hemmed... my gown is perfect. Things are going to be great! So far on hair, nails and wardrobe I have spent less than $300... who says you can't do a pageant on a budget, you just need to know where to look. By the way most people spend $500-$1000 just on their gown, $125 + on a designer swimsuit, opening number dresses typically start at $100... just to give you a brief glimpse.

My opening number gown... we are cutting it off at the knees and making it a cocktail dress. It's is solid red beading... it's going to look awesome on stage! $10

My suit courtesy of MetroStyle.com $39.99My swimsuit from Victoria's Secret - $30

My gown handmade by my amazing mother in law

I'm sorry to have to deliver bad news but....

That is something you never want to hear from your doctor but I was SO lucky to hear that from mine on Wednesday. The next 2 things would surely change my life forever. 1st, I have an abnormal thyroid (hypOthyroidism) so I will be on medication the rest of my life. Those who know me know that weight gain has never really been a problem for me but apparently now it will be. 2nd, I will never be able to give birth to biological children. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure or Diminished Ovarian Reserve, basically meaning I have no eggs left and am pre-menopausal. This is a diagnosis I had in 2001 but was overturned and attributed to the enormous stress that I was under at the time. I thought that I was past that point in my life and going to move forward to having a baby with my amazing husband and broadening our family. It was an odd moment, I was more sad about Grant losing out on a child with his eyes or genes than I was grieving over the loss of children that I would never bear.

I am the type of person who moves on the solution instead of dwelling on the problem, so within 30 minutes of this devastating news I was already ready to adopt again. I am blessed that I have an amazing husband that is behind me with every decision and feeling. He brought me flowers and was just there for whatever I needed... at the time I wasn't even sure what that was. I thought back on a conversation we had with Krystina... she said that she wanted an adopted baby so that HE was just like her. Maybe her 4 year old mind 'knew' all along and that was her way of telling me it was ok.

I know that everyone probably thinks that I need to 'grieve' but I don't feel the need. I can't really grieve over a baby I never had, it's like being sad over someone else winning the lottery. I mean is it hard for me when people who don't want/deserve pop them out like pez, of course, and will I have many nights that I will wonder what it's all like... YEP. I know that I will miss out on the family excitement of the baby coming and the baby shower and the friends that all want to be there when the little bundle is born...But the difference is that I am no less a mommy based solely on biology and Grant is no less a daddy because she doesn't have his eyes. She is proof of nurture over nature... everything Krystina does is so similar to Grant and I and our mannerisms.... I am very blessed and I know this.

Yesterday Krystina and I went to the park and took a bunch of pictures for Easter... her first mini photoshoot was 130 pictures (not so mini mommy!). This whole experience made me realize that my daughter is just like me when I was that age... she is every bit my daughter, genetics or not... heck at least she didn't get my nose! When she got home she laid down on the couch and told me that modeling was hard work... HELLO I HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THIS FOR YEARS AND MY 4 YEAR OLD GETS IT!

It's amazing the direction life takes when you least expect it. I never planned on meeting and marrying such an amazing man. My plan was to get Krystina, move to Arizona and raise her there. Imagine my amazement when the man that I had pictured in my head was the one waiting for me at The Little Onion in Santa Ana, the man that swept me off my feet completely, the man that I was so excited to marry that I didn't even look at the ring when he proposed... the man that I feel so blessed to wake up next to each day.

So it looks like Grant and I will be gracing Orange County Social Services with out availability in the not too distant future. We have chosen to go through social services again instead of infant domestic adoption because we both know the need foster children have for good homes. I am excited for this next step, I know that it will be taxing emotionally but I am ready for every step... especially the one into the courtroom the last time to make it all official.

I hope that everyone has an amazing Easter, be thankful for your family and kiss them daily.

Krystina took this of mommy... then she wanted her own taken.