That is something you never want to hear from your doctor but I was SO lucky to hear that from mine on Wednesday. The next 2 things would surely change my life forever. 1st, I have an abnormal thyroid (hypOthyroidism) so I will be on medication the rest of my life. Those who know me know that weight gain has never really been a problem for me but apparently now it will be. 2nd, I will never be able to give birth to biological children. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure or Diminished Ovarian Reserve, basically meaning I have no eggs left and am pre-menopausal. This is a diagnosis I had in 2001 but was overturned and attributed to the enormous stress that I was under at the time. I thought that I was past that point in my life and going to move forward to having a baby with my amazing husband and broadening our family. It was an odd moment, I was more sad about Grant losing out on a child with his eyes or genes than I was grieving over the loss of children that I would never bear.
I am the type of person who moves on the solution instead of dwelling on the problem, so within 30 minutes of this devastating news I was already ready to adopt again. I am blessed that I have an amazing husband that is behind me with every decision and feeling. He brought me flowers and was just there for whatever I needed... at the time I wasn't even sure what that was. I thought back on a conversation we had with Krystina... she said that she wanted an adopted baby so that HE was just like her. Maybe her 4 year old mind 'knew' all along and that was her way of telling me it was ok.
I know that everyone probably thinks that I need to 'grieve' but I don't feel the need. I can't really grieve over a baby I never had, it's like being sad over someone else winning the lottery. I mean is it hard for me when people who don't want/deserve pop them out like pez, of course, and will I have many nights that I will wonder what it's all like... YEP. I know that I will miss out on the family excitement of the baby coming and the baby shower and the friends that all want to be there when the little bundle is born...But the difference is that I am no less a mommy based solely on biology and Grant is no less a daddy because she doesn't have his eyes. She is proof of nurture over nature... everything Krystina does is so similar to Grant and I and our mannerisms.... I am very blessed and I know this.
Yesterday Krystina and I went to the park and took a bunch of pictures for Easter... her first mini photoshoot was 130 pictures (not so mini mommy!). This whole experience made me realize that my daughter is just like me when I was that age... she is every bit my daughter, genetics or not... heck at least she didn't get my nose! When she got home she laid down on the couch and told me that modeling was hard work... HELLO I HAVE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THIS FOR YEARS AND MY 4 YEAR OLD GETS IT!
It's amazing the direction life takes when you least expect it. I never planned on meeting and marrying such an amazing man. My plan was to get Krystina, move to Arizona and raise her there. Imagine my amazement when the man that I had pictured in my head was the one waiting for me at The Little Onion in Santa Ana, the man that swept me off my feet completely, the man that I was so excited to marry that I didn't even look at the ring when he proposed... the man that I feel so blessed to wake up next to each day.
So it looks like Grant and I will be gracing Orange County Social Services with out availability in the not too distant future. We have chosen to go through social services again instead of infant domestic adoption because we both know the need foster children have for good homes. I am excited for this next step, I know that it will be taxing emotionally but I am ready for every step... especially the one into the courtroom the last time to make it all official.
I hope that everyone has an amazing Easter, be thankful for your family and kiss them daily.
Krystina took this of mommy... then she wanted her own taken.
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