So this is a deployment, huh?!: A fight and some clarity

This last few weeks has been very trying for me and for us. Just life, in all it's glory, gets to me sometimes. I start feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Grant and I keep saying that we should be stress free with the recent financial events in our life however I almost feel more stressed than ever. Sadly even the two of us have been fussing a bit with all of the 'moving parts' in our lives. Grant has been working a swing shift (4-midnight) for the better part of the last month and sadly his only weekend days off have been for drill. Swings are really tough on us because we have to rely on technology for communication. Everything we coordinate or say is via text, email or on the phone as there is only about 1/2 a day that he and I see each other...Krystina is a whole other issue. So due to this I start feeling like I can't handle it all because I am a people pleaser and I want to ensure that Grant is happy all of the time... yes I know it's impossible but it's who I am. I know that I am messy and my laundry gets completed on a rare occasion but it's mainly because I am so overwhelmed and exhausted mentally and physically by the time Krystina goes to bed that I just veg and then fall asleep.

Anyhow... last night after I met with my pageant coach we were particularly fussy. (Backstory: I thought I told him that my parents and their dog were staying with us tonight, apparently he didn't know and then last night he tried to get home before I left so I could eat with them but I didn't have time... I know story of my life) In the midst of our conversation I was able to verbalize something that I have been thinking for so long. I spent the better part of my adult life not being truly happy or content with my life. I did the marriage thing young and that ended so badly, and truth be told my contentment issues and happiness issues started long before that relationship, but my issues continued through all of my relationships and jobs and modeling... it wasn't until I met Grant and we got Krystina that I found a sense of peace that I had longed for. I explained how I can go from totally mad at night to calm and peaceful and loving in the morning regardless of my conviction the previous night. I realize that even though I get frustrated, annoyed, angry and irritated with my husband and my daughter... I am blessed that I have the two of them to be that way at. I get annoyed at picking up clothes or having to repeat myself 12 times (apparently I speak too quickly) but at least I have a family to have these issues.

This weekend is Krystina's birthday party... we kept saying we were keeping it small... UMMM RIGHT! I believe we have a total of 50 people confirmed, yep and 14 of those are kids. Tonight my parents are coming into town, I am making ice cream cone cupcakes tonight as well as getting the rest of the decorations I may be missing. Krystina is SO excited about the cupcake ice cream cones... it's really cute. I was going to make them for everyone but to be honest I am not making and frosting 50 of these buggers so the adults can have sheet cake... ha ha.

My pageant is in 3 weeks and I feel incredibly confident. Last night I met with a pageant coach to help with my interview, she gave me a bunch of homework to do before we meet again. I have my swimsuit, my suit is in the mail, my opening number dress just needs to be hemmed... my gown is perfect. Things are going to be great! So far on hair, nails and wardrobe I have spent less than $300... who says you can't do a pageant on a budget, you just need to know where to look. By the way most people spend $500-$1000 just on their gown, $125 + on a designer swimsuit, opening number dresses typically start at $100... just to give you a brief glimpse.

My opening number gown... we are cutting it off at the knees and making it a cocktail dress. It's is solid red beading... it's going to look awesome on stage! $10