TOTAL Randomness...Yep, minor ADD here

Tomorrow is day one of the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer... I am getting nervous. 26.2 miles is pretty daunting to walk. In addition to that I have not had much time to prepare lately, no time to walk and I haven't packed at all. I guess everything else in life has pretty much taken over. Sometimes I feel that my daily 'me' time is gone. I know that it's because of this job, I have to haul butt to get home to have ANY time to work out but sadly I have done that only once in the last 3 weeks. I have been walking at lunch (3 or 4 times now) about a mile and it's up hill and down hill so my booty is really getting a workout. I love the way working out makes me feel. It's the best way to reduce stress and boy do I feel that I have a lot of it lately.
I have gained a decent amount of weigh over the past two years. Yes, I know that I was unhealthy and underweight when I was working for HT but guess what, I was used to that weight and those size of clothing. While I never want to let myself get back to that weight I still find it hard to buy clothes for my current weight, yes I only weigh 130lbs at 5'10 and yes that is still textbook underweight but I can not weigh more unless there is a baby in my belly. Mentally 130 was a tough number for me to hit... sadly when I realized that I had hit it I was actually 9-11 lbs over it. I was crushed, I cried, I wanted to stop eating... I mean come on I knew my clothes were fitting WAY tighter and breathing was becoming a luxury but I was still going to fit into my 2's & 4's damnit! So with the realization I weighed 140 came the realization that I needed to buy size, GASP, 6 or 8! Yep, more tears and leaving the store with nothing but a sick feeling in my stomach. For the first time I had celulite on my legs... and my butt! I feel very blessed that I had my husband through all of this. 9 weeks before my wedding I vowed to lose enough weight to be COMFORTABLE in my wedding gown and my wedding night attire. So I started walking/running at the park every day. By my wedding date I was down to 135 and happily in a size 6. Today I have lost those last 5lbs but just want to get more tone... not lose weight just tone. It's funny, my weight used to define me (or so I thought) but now I want to be healthy for my daughter, for my husband and for myself. I don't decide who I am as a person based solely on my weight... true I still have fat days, bloated days... days that I pinch my fat (or skin, whatever) and feel like I need to run 25 miles and stop eating but I have learned to fight it.
This walk has really brought back my weight issues and my obsession with working out but it has also required me to deal with those issues head on because I have to be healthy to walk, I can't push my obsession off anymore and for that I am very grateful.
Monday is my first anniversary... sadly I feel that I haven't really made enough time for that either. I had this really neat idea but I totally ran out of time. I have never thought of myself as someone with a time management problem but lately there just aren't enough hours in the day! Last night I sat in the car and cried because I wanted to get him the perfect gift with the perfect thought and message to show my husband how much I love and appreciate him... I was so mentally drained every gift I came up with wasn't good enough. Then I sat back and realized that any gift that I got would be perfect because I wouldn't buy him something without a lot of thought, he would love whatever the gift was because it was from me. So I bought him the perfect gift. We agreed we would either go traditional (paper) or modern (a clock) so I did one of those. I can't wait to give him his gift on Monday... we have massages scheduled to help with the tension and stress of this last week for both of us. Just being together will make for the perfect anniversary. I dont need an elaborate trip (although sitting on a tropical beach with a bay breeze in my hand sounds awesome), I don't need a big expensive fancy dinner... just to be able to hug and kiss the love of my life is more than so many people get on any day much less an anniversary. I feel so blessed and so lucky every day to have the family and the life that I do.
** Please continue to pray for baby Reese, that her life on this earth (however long) is comfortable and full of love. She is an amazing baby that has touched the lives of so many in her short life, she has made people realize how precious life is and how important it is to treasure each and every day we have with our loved ones. She has amazing parents that already realize that, parents that love on her and make sure that she knows that she is surrounded by love.